An open letter to the woman in front of me in the ferry line with the brightly coloured, plastic Jesus bag

Dear Jesus Lady,
I couldn’t help but notice you in line in front of me as we walked onto the ferry to Vancouver Island. It wasn’t your blonde hair pulled back into a little ponytail that caught my attention, or that you looked too young to have a 10 year old daughter (your travelling companion), or even your footwear - Merrill's, I think?. No, it was your Jesus bag. It appeared to have been made of plastic recycled materials and illustrated many faces of Jesus – a checkerboard of colourful Jesus faces, if you will. Some of the images were Andy Warhol-like. Some, more serious and full of compassion or gesturing outward in some solemn statement to the tragedy of having to be a walk-on passenger in a car-cultured world.

It made me wonder about you. Not so much about your fashion sense (this was clear), but whether you were making a statement about your acceptance and love of Him or just poking fun.

Sincerely,
Your Erstwhile Fellow BC Ferries Walk-on Passenger

Must Have Been a Tough Sell: The Calendar

- Hey, I've got a new idea for keeping track of days and months. Wanna hear?

- Months?

- Yeah, months. Just invented them. Then invented how to keep track of them.

- Very forward thinking of you. Well okay, what's the idea then?

- Okay, here it is: we will have 12 months in one year, and...

- And 12 days in one month. Makes sense.

- Actually I was thinking 30ish...

- ...ish...?

- Yeah! I mean mostly 30. Or 31. Either or. It's not that hard once you get the hang of it. Here let me show you on my knuckles.

- So I've got 50/50 chance of guessing right if I don't have knuckles. Either 30 or 31, you say?

- Well, except February. That one's only 28.

- 28? What's the deal with that?

- Didn't have enough days in the year, you see. But February doesn't mind. Makes it even more special.

- But you could have done away with two of those 31 day months!

- Are you insane?! I would have to remove two of my knuckles then!

- *sigh* So it's either 30, 31 or 28.

- Actually, every four years that 28 becomes.... 29.... Why are you looking at me like that?

- Oh no, nothing... go on please. Becomes 29 every four years. Very simple indeed.

- I know, right? Except for years that are exactly divisible by 100. But the centurial years that are exactly divisible by 400 are still leap years.

- Brilliant.

- Oh this is just the rough sketch. I'm gonna mix it up with the lunar cycles a bit as well. Gives good flavour to a calendar. And maybe have 13 month years every 3 years or so. What do you thi...


The supposed inventor of the Gregorian calendar is rumoured to have stumbled on the idea by chance; scribbled on a piece of blood stained parchment, which was found shortly after the discovery of a dead body in a nearby ditch.

Interesting trivia: Ancestor of the modern day shredder was first prototyped three days after this incident.

11 Things I Would Buy on Ebay, If I Could

(With thanks also to Sheila, Chris and Devin for their contributions)

1. A thicker skin
2. Just a pound of joie de vivre
   
3. An early bird (so I don't have to worry about getting up to get the worm myself)
4. The next best thing since sliced bread
5. The bees knees
   
6. A mountain-to-molehill maker
7. A spare paddle (for when you're up the creek without one)
8. A sprinkler that makes the grass just as green on your side as on the other side
   
9. A grain of salt
   
10. Tracks (so as not to lose ones train of thought)
11. A moss-gathering rolling stone (very rare and worth a lot of money, I'm sure)
12. A cake that you can have an eat as well
    

9 Things to Dislike About Spiders

1. They come over uninvited all the time
And when you do invite them, they never RSVP properly! I have thirty spiders "maybe attending" my graduation party. How am I supposed to plan for that?

2. Hairy legs
Apparently they do not feel obligated to shave their legs. Neither do I, frankly. But at least I have the decency of wearing pants.

3. Bitey teeth
If a spider offers to give you head, say "NO!"

4. They move too fast
Three days into the relationship, you find their moisturising cream in your bathroom, and their webs taking half of your closet already.

5. They have too many eyes
Watching your every move with great scrutiny, silently waiting for you to fuck something up. When you go into a staring contest with a spider peering over your shoulder, the spider always wins.

6. They scare Amber
They scare her for their reckless, devil-may-care attitude towards their own future. They scare her for their apathetic stance to the ills of our society. They will have to grow up and see the cruel face of life one day, and Amber will not be there to help them! What then!?

7. They're not beautiful like tigers
Tigers scare Amber too, but at least they are beautiful. (Amber can be superficial like that sometimes)

8. They invite guests over and then eat them
See #3

9. They never call when they say they will
Seriously. Somebody should start a Correspondence 101 for Spiders class.

First Post

This is the first post of our fabulous blog: THE PORRIDGE SNOB!!! RAWR!!!

It's gonna be so awesome.