(Real!) Vancouver Signs

Customer service innovation

After spending about an hour on the line today with Shaw customer service, I have identified a much needed new feature to ease those long minutes passing: Phone Sex While You Wait (tm).


Your call may be monitored by perverts for reasons you don't want to know. Using your keypad, please enter your sexual orientation. Press 1 for heterosexual. Press 2 for bisexual. Press 3 for homosexual. Press 4 for other, and a psychologist will be with you shortly.

...minutes later...

If you want me to take my shirt off, press 1. For taking my skirt off, press 2. For ripping it all off, press 3. If you just wanted to sit and talk really, press 4 and a psychologist will be with you shortly.

....more minutes later....

I am sorry. The size you entered does not seem to be enough to elicit this kind of moan. Would you like to have a less enthusiastic moan today? Press 1 for yes. Press 2 if you want me to fake it.

.....even more minutes later.....

If you are under a lot of stress at work, press 1. If it is your medication to blame, press 2. If you "don't know what happened, this never happened before. Seriously," press 3.

...........tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock..............


beeeeepbuzzzzbeeeeep...

Hello, my name is Steve. Thank you for waiting. How can I help you today?

Secrets of the Fan Language

This one's been inspired by The Language of the Fan. I've modified the meanings of some of them. See if you can figure out which ones have been modified!

1) THE FAN PLACED NEAR THE HEART: "You have won my love."

2) A CLOSED FAN TOUCHING THE RIGHT EYE: "When may I be allowed to see you?"

3) THE NUMBER OF STICKS SHOWN ANSWERED THE QUESTION: "At what hour?"


4) THREATENING MOVEMENTS WITH A FAN CLOSED: "You've got monkey vomit on your shirt."

5) HALF-OPENED FAN PRESSED TO THE LIPS: "You may kiss me."

6) HANDS CLASPED TOGETHER HOLDING AN OPEN FAN: "Not with that monkey vomit on your shirt, no."


7) COVERING THE LEFT EAR WITH AN OPEN FAN: "I have an ear infection. It smells."



8) HIDING THE EYES BEHIND AN OPEN FAN: "I love you."

9) SHUTTING A FULLY OPENED FAN SLOWLY: "I promise to marry you."

10) DRAWING THE FAN ACCROSS THE EYES: "I am sorry, you are moving in too fast. I didn't even propose!"



11) TOUCHING THE FINGER TO THE TIP OF THE FAN: "I wish to speak with you."

12) LETTING THE FAN REST ON THE RIGHT CHEEK: "Yes."

13) LETTING THE FAN REST ON THE LEFT CHEEK: "No."

14) OPENING AND CLOSING THE FAN SEVERAL TIMES: "You are cruel."

15) DROPPING THE FAN: "Shit. I dropped the fan. What does that mean now?"

16) FANNING SLOWLY: "I am married."

17) FANNING QUICKLY: "Damn... is the AC on?"

18) PUTTING THE FAN HANDLE TO THE LIPS: "Kiss me."

19) OPENING A FAN WIDE: "Wait for me."



20) PLACING THE FAN BEHIND THE HEAD: "Your father must've been a thief, 'cos..."

21) PLACING THE FAN BEHIND THE HEAD WITH FINGER EXTENDED: "Goodbye."

22) FAN IN RIGHT HAND IN FRONT OF FACE: "Bitch."


23) FAN IN LEFT HAND IN FRONT OF FACE: "I am desirous of your acquaintance."

24) FAN HELD OVER LEFT EAR: "What? Fan that again?"

25) FAN IN LEFT HAND IN FRONT OF FACE: "I said I am desirous of your acquaintance."

26) DRAWING THE FAN ACROSS THE FOREHEAD: "Move that fan off your face, will you. I don't do blind dates."



27) TWIRLING THE FAN IN THE LEFT HAND: "We are being watched."

28) TWIRLING THE FAN IN THE RIGHT HAND: "Let them watch, it turns me on."



29) CARRYING THE OPEN FAN IN THE RIGHT HAND: "You are too willing."

30) CARRYING THE OPEN FAN IN THE LEFT HAND: "Come and talk to me."

31) DRAWING THE FAN THROUGH THE HAND: "I hate you!"

32) DRAWING THE FAN ACROSS THE CHEEK: "Don't make me bitchslap you!"

33) PRESENTING THE FAN SHUT: "Shove it up your fanny."