55 word short prose

The Love Song of A.M. Hitchen (with a tip of the hat to T.S. Eliot)

Twice weekly for a year she drives past the taxidermists' and can't help but see the stiffened formaldehyde mammals on display. She would not pursposely choose this route - it is necessary. She is broken and physiotherapy has become her religion. She touches her rigid back and thinks of the animals: hardened, immobile.
Perpetual inertia.

The Things People Say

Some quotes that caught my attention, and their source.

"Jesus was a social worker, and look what happened to him."
- A friend's grandfather, on learning that she was going into social work.

"So sorry to hear your beloved Missy is no longer with us. Life is full of disappointments"
- My grandmother, on learning that I had to put my cat down.

"I don't care what you're trying to say - it isn't possible to 'accidently' buy three bags of chips!"
- A mother to her 10 year old daughter, overheard at the swimming pool

"Why is my watermelon so expensive!"
- Shouted like a statement by a man to the cashier at the grocery store

(Real!) Vancouver Signs

Customer service innovation

After spending about an hour on the line today with Shaw customer service, I have identified a much needed new feature to ease those long minutes passing: Phone Sex While You Wait (tm).


Your call may be monitored by perverts for reasons you don't want to know. Using your keypad, please enter your sexual orientation. Press 1 for heterosexual. Press 2 for bisexual. Press 3 for homosexual. Press 4 for other, and a psychologist will be with you shortly.

...minutes later...

If you want me to take my shirt off, press 1. For taking my skirt off, press 2. For ripping it all off, press 3. If you just wanted to sit and talk really, press 4 and a psychologist will be with you shortly.

....more minutes later....

I am sorry. The size you entered does not seem to be enough to elicit this kind of moan. Would you like to have a less enthusiastic moan today? Press 1 for yes. Press 2 if you want me to fake it.

.....even more minutes later.....

If you are under a lot of stress at work, press 1. If it is your medication to blame, press 2. If you "don't know what happened, this never happened before. Seriously," press 3.

...........tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock..............


beeeeepbuzzzzbeeeeep...

Hello, my name is Steve. Thank you for waiting. How can I help you today?

Secrets of the Fan Language

This one's been inspired by The Language of the Fan. I've modified the meanings of some of them. See if you can figure out which ones have been modified!

1) THE FAN PLACED NEAR THE HEART: "You have won my love."

2) A CLOSED FAN TOUCHING THE RIGHT EYE: "When may I be allowed to see you?"

3) THE NUMBER OF STICKS SHOWN ANSWERED THE QUESTION: "At what hour?"


4) THREATENING MOVEMENTS WITH A FAN CLOSED: "You've got monkey vomit on your shirt."

5) HALF-OPENED FAN PRESSED TO THE LIPS: "You may kiss me."

6) HANDS CLASPED TOGETHER HOLDING AN OPEN FAN: "Not with that monkey vomit on your shirt, no."


7) COVERING THE LEFT EAR WITH AN OPEN FAN: "I have an ear infection. It smells."



8) HIDING THE EYES BEHIND AN OPEN FAN: "I love you."

9) SHUTTING A FULLY OPENED FAN SLOWLY: "I promise to marry you."

10) DRAWING THE FAN ACCROSS THE EYES: "I am sorry, you are moving in too fast. I didn't even propose!"



11) TOUCHING THE FINGER TO THE TIP OF THE FAN: "I wish to speak with you."

12) LETTING THE FAN REST ON THE RIGHT CHEEK: "Yes."

13) LETTING THE FAN REST ON THE LEFT CHEEK: "No."

14) OPENING AND CLOSING THE FAN SEVERAL TIMES: "You are cruel."

15) DROPPING THE FAN: "Shit. I dropped the fan. What does that mean now?"

16) FANNING SLOWLY: "I am married."

17) FANNING QUICKLY: "Damn... is the AC on?"

18) PUTTING THE FAN HANDLE TO THE LIPS: "Kiss me."

19) OPENING A FAN WIDE: "Wait for me."



20) PLACING THE FAN BEHIND THE HEAD: "Your father must've been a thief, 'cos..."

21) PLACING THE FAN BEHIND THE HEAD WITH FINGER EXTENDED: "Goodbye."

22) FAN IN RIGHT HAND IN FRONT OF FACE: "Bitch."


23) FAN IN LEFT HAND IN FRONT OF FACE: "I am desirous of your acquaintance."

24) FAN HELD OVER LEFT EAR: "What? Fan that again?"

25) FAN IN LEFT HAND IN FRONT OF FACE: "I said I am desirous of your acquaintance."

26) DRAWING THE FAN ACROSS THE FOREHEAD: "Move that fan off your face, will you. I don't do blind dates."



27) TWIRLING THE FAN IN THE LEFT HAND: "We are being watched."

28) TWIRLING THE FAN IN THE RIGHT HAND: "Let them watch, it turns me on."



29) CARRYING THE OPEN FAN IN THE RIGHT HAND: "You are too willing."

30) CARRYING THE OPEN FAN IN THE LEFT HAND: "Come and talk to me."

31) DRAWING THE FAN THROUGH THE HAND: "I hate you!"

32) DRAWING THE FAN ACROSS THE CHEEK: "Don't make me bitchslap you!"

33) PRESENTING THE FAN SHUT: "Shove it up your fanny."

An open letter to the woman in front of me in the ferry line with the brightly coloured, plastic Jesus bag

Dear Jesus Lady,
I couldn’t help but notice you in line in front of me as we walked onto the ferry to Vancouver Island. It wasn’t your blonde hair pulled back into a little ponytail that caught my attention, or that you looked too young to have a 10 year old daughter (your travelling companion), or even your footwear - Merrill's, I think?. No, it was your Jesus bag. It appeared to have been made of plastic recycled materials and illustrated many faces of Jesus – a checkerboard of colourful Jesus faces, if you will. Some of the images were Andy Warhol-like. Some, more serious and full of compassion or gesturing outward in some solemn statement to the tragedy of having to be a walk-on passenger in a car-cultured world.

It made me wonder about you. Not so much about your fashion sense (this was clear), but whether you were making a statement about your acceptance and love of Him or just poking fun.

Sincerely,
Your Erstwhile Fellow BC Ferries Walk-on Passenger

Must Have Been a Tough Sell: The Calendar

- Hey, I've got a new idea for keeping track of days and months. Wanna hear?

- Months?

- Yeah, months. Just invented them. Then invented how to keep track of them.

- Very forward thinking of you. Well okay, what's the idea then?

- Okay, here it is: we will have 12 months in one year, and...

- And 12 days in one month. Makes sense.

- Actually I was thinking 30ish...

- ...ish...?

- Yeah! I mean mostly 30. Or 31. Either or. It's not that hard once you get the hang of it. Here let me show you on my knuckles.

- So I've got 50/50 chance of guessing right if I don't have knuckles. Either 30 or 31, you say?

- Well, except February. That one's only 28.

- 28? What's the deal with that?

- Didn't have enough days in the year, you see. But February doesn't mind. Makes it even more special.

- But you could have done away with two of those 31 day months!

- Are you insane?! I would have to remove two of my knuckles then!

- *sigh* So it's either 30, 31 or 28.

- Actually, every four years that 28 becomes.... 29.... Why are you looking at me like that?

- Oh no, nothing... go on please. Becomes 29 every four years. Very simple indeed.

- I know, right? Except for years that are exactly divisible by 100. But the centurial years that are exactly divisible by 400 are still leap years.

- Brilliant.

- Oh this is just the rough sketch. I'm gonna mix it up with the lunar cycles a bit as well. Gives good flavour to a calendar. And maybe have 13 month years every 3 years or so. What do you thi...


The supposed inventor of the Gregorian calendar is rumoured to have stumbled on the idea by chance; scribbled on a piece of blood stained parchment, which was found shortly after the discovery of a dead body in a nearby ditch.

Interesting trivia: Ancestor of the modern day shredder was first prototyped three days after this incident.

11 Things I Would Buy on Ebay, If I Could

(With thanks also to Sheila, Chris and Devin for their contributions)

1. A thicker skin
2. Just a pound of joie de vivre
   
3. An early bird (so I don't have to worry about getting up to get the worm myself)
4. The next best thing since sliced bread
5. The bees knees
   
6. A mountain-to-molehill maker
7. A spare paddle (for when you're up the creek without one)
8. A sprinkler that makes the grass just as green on your side as on the other side
   
9. A grain of salt
   
10. Tracks (so as not to lose ones train of thought)
11. A moss-gathering rolling stone (very rare and worth a lot of money, I'm sure)
12. A cake that you can have an eat as well
    

9 Things to Dislike About Spiders

1. They come over uninvited all the time
And when you do invite them, they never RSVP properly! I have thirty spiders "maybe attending" my graduation party. How am I supposed to plan for that?

2. Hairy legs
Apparently they do not feel obligated to shave their legs. Neither do I, frankly. But at least I have the decency of wearing pants.

3. Bitey teeth
If a spider offers to give you head, say "NO!"

4. They move too fast
Three days into the relationship, you find their moisturising cream in your bathroom, and their webs taking half of your closet already.

5. They have too many eyes
Watching your every move with great scrutiny, silently waiting for you to fuck something up. When you go into a staring contest with a spider peering over your shoulder, the spider always wins.

6. They scare Amber
They scare her for their reckless, devil-may-care attitude towards their own future. They scare her for their apathetic stance to the ills of our society. They will have to grow up and see the cruel face of life one day, and Amber will not be there to help them! What then!?

7. They're not beautiful like tigers
Tigers scare Amber too, but at least they are beautiful. (Amber can be superficial like that sometimes)

8. They invite guests over and then eat them
See #3

9. They never call when they say they will
Seriously. Somebody should start a Correspondence 101 for Spiders class.

First Post

This is the first post of our fabulous blog: THE PORRIDGE SNOB!!! RAWR!!!

It's gonna be so awesome.